Hardcore Pepperocini

Friday, December 31, 2004

"We can all know everything without ever knowing why..."

-From "Muppet Family Christmas"

Yesterday was super-de-duper fun. My bro-wo and sister-face are here!!! We all went out to lunch, and then Scotty, Katie, Rebecca and I spent the day shopping in Portland. We went to Powell's. That place rocks my world. There is something beautiful about a bookstore so big that you have to have a map to find your way around, and call members of your party on your cell phone in order to find eachother.

We got home and had a yummy-wummy dinner, courtesy of mommy-face. Then we went out to a bar in Oregon City. We being Scotty, Katie, me, Tater and Holly. We were joined there by Mike and Kat. I love Kat! And Mike is funny. Its always fun to have another cynic in the room, even though he was momentarily making fun of me until I fired back. I got to wear my fun shirt that says "Its hard being this perfect all the time." I love fun shirts. And I love dancing. I really do. I miss the vinyl club in Ashland and just taking an occasional Friday to let loose. So I was happy when I saw them clearing the room for a dance floor, and also happy that there was a really good DJ. But nobody else was dancing at first, but eventually we broke in the dance floor and then I was happy with the world. Dancing is fun. I'm no good at it, but its still fun. And Kat is fun too! She is a singer, so when I mentioned that I played for Les Mis she got all excited and we sang through a couple of the songs. It was fun to feel like a music geek for a portion of the night.

Then Scotty, Katie and I came home a little after 2 AM and ate Chinese food and decorated the refridgerator. It is quite lovely.

Yay! I love my bro-wo and sister-face and mommy-nose and hazelnut-poodle!

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

"Here's something that goes somewhere!"

-My Mommy (while doing a puzzle)

Life is crazy and unreal right now. I love Portland. My sister will be here tomorrow! I'm stealing this from her blog. Loves and poodles!

Three names you go by:
1. Erin
2. Bear
3. Pez

Three screennames you have:
1. erinpez
2. sorry, blogging is as far as I go with computers.

Three things you like about yourself:
1. My endurance
2. My sarcasm
3. My curves

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
1. Sore shoulders
2. Constant headaches
3. Dry eyes

Three parts of your heritage:
1. Czechoslovakian
2. Scottish
3. Black Foot Indian
(Confession: I don't know anything about my heritage. Luckily I can just keep my sister's answers).

Three things that scare you:
1. Not having a paycheck
2. Having to walk when it is really icy
3. Being in a dark place knowing that someone is going to pop out and scare you. (this fear was developed from closing nights at the library).

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. My CDs
2. Coffee
3. Chocolate

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Pooh socks
2. Wrist braces.
3. My big raiders sweatshirt that I've had since 7th grade.

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment):
1. Modest Mouse
2. Kasey Chambers
3. Indigo Girls

Three of your favorite songs at present:
1. Iowa-Dar Williams
2. Captain-Kasey Chambers
3. Sleepin in-Postal Service

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
1. Songwriting
2. Teaching
3. Living in Seattle without dying

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
1. Sincerity
2. Sincerity
3. Sincerity
(I thought maybe if I wrote it three times I'd be more likely to get it)

Two truths and a lie:
1. I've played piano for shows in six different states
2. I have sang a solo in front of more than 2,000 people
3. I have studied and played the trumpet

Three physical things about the opposite sex (or same) that appeal to you:
1. Height
2. Eyes
3. Arms

Three things you just can’t do:
1. Run long distances
2. Trust guys (family excluded)
3. Diet

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. Reading
2. Writing
3. Arithmatic. Okay, just kidding about the last one, but you know that old rhyme? Anyways, my 3rd one would be cross-stitch

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
1. Find a job
2. Find a home
3. Find a Gina

Three careers you’re considering:
1. Anything involving piano
2. Anything that allows me enough time to continue piano
3. You get the drift

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Switzerland
2. New Zealand
3. Barcelona (Only because of the e-mail that I just got from Gina)

Three kids' names:
1. I'm not having kids, therefore this is kind of a stupid question.
2.
3.

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Play the 1st or 2nd Rachmoninoff piano concerto in a huge concert hall.
2. Write a book
3. I'd like to be able to say that I have been in love. Not because I want a relationship, but just so I know how it feels.

Three people who have to take this quiz now:
1. Meagan
2. Mike
3. Tanya

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

"True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation."

-George Washington

Last night I got one of the sweetest gifts that I have ever recieved. Jessica and Amber made me a quilt, which in itself is too precious for words, but it is totally an Erin-quilt. It has music and poodles and all things Erin. It made me SO happy! I have great girlfriends, I really do. I've had so much ridiculous drama in these last four years, and the fact that my friends have stuck by me like they have... I'm so lucky.

I'm still getting chronic headaches. Its really frusterating. They come on and I just can't handle light, or voices, or people talking to me. But I can handle my poodle. I LOVE MY BABY ERNIE!!! He's a little hazlenut.

It was fun hanging out with my Amber last night. I slept at her apartment, with my new poodle-ish quilt, and got back to my mom's house early this morning.

That's all I have to say. I'm really not in the mood to blog, but my quilt made me really happy and I had to share. Yay for poodles.


Saturday, December 25, 2004

"Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me as it does for all who truly believe."

-The Polar Express

Merry Christmas everyone! Although its not Christmas for me yet. My family isn't going to celebrate Christmas until January 1st. That's because that is the day where we will all be in town at the same time. This is the third year in the row that we have had to re-schedule Christmas, which is fine. My family isn't religous, for us Christmas is more of a holiday to celebrate family.

Its been a crazy few days. I feel like my world has been paused, and I'm wandering around this weird world of non-existence. I'd ramble on and try to explain what it feels like, but I know that I don't know how to explain it. So I won't even try. I've been really tired, so I've been resting alot, and bonding with my mommy and my poodle and my piano. I went to a mass last night at Amber's church in Portland because her mommy and brother were playing bells. It was nice. I have played for churches before, but never gone just to experience it. I'm not religous or anything, but it was still nice to just go and enjoy the Christmas Eve service. And people said hi to me, but nobody tried to recruit me, and I thought that was really nice.

For the fourth year in a row, my mommy and I took the oppurtunity to go see a movie on Christmas. It is always really fun to go to the theater on Christmas, and nice because so few people are out and about on Christmas. Right? Right. So imagine my mom and I's surprise when we got to the theater and saw a crowd that you wouldn't believe! The parking lot was packed, the line for food went all the way to the door, it was insane! But it was really fun, and everyone was nice. My mom and I met a really nice couple in the lobby and they took our picture. Then we went in to get seats to see The Polar Express. Since we were almost forty minutes early, there were only two other people in the theater. They were a very nice middle-aged couple and caught on immediatly to my me and my mom's sarcasm, and didn't even flinch when my mom and I started wildly dancing to the overhead music.

The movie was really amazing. I liked it way more than I thought I would. It made me think back to when I was little. I don't ever remember fully believing in Santa. But I was in love with the IDEA of believing in him. I pretended to believe in him, just because I loved how everyone tried to make him real. Being in Milwaukie has made me retrace alot of my past and remember things that I have not thought about in a long time. I love that despite everything that I have been through, there is still a part of me that is childlike, that loves to believe in things that the "adult" part of me knows can't be proven possible. I am determined to hold on to that part of me, no matter what happens.

I'm SO EXCITED that I get to see my sister-face in four days!

Much love.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

"Who can say if i've been changed for the better, but because I knew you I have been changed for good."

-Wicked

These last 24 hours have been a blurry daze of good-byes and boxes and memories that are flying at me a mile a minute. What a strange time.

I just said bye to Liz. The words she left me with, before we both quickly left so we wouldn't see eachother "not cry":

"My mom always told me 'be nice to your sister, because sisters are forever.' I take that to the next level, because I really believe that good friends are forever."




































Tuesday, December 21, 2004

"Friends just seem to happen along."

-Winnie the Pooh

I had so much fun with Meagan last night and came to the library early just so I would have time to write about it. And it made me all warm and fuzzy to read her blog from last night because it is right along the lines of what I wanted to say.

We went to several bars last night, but only got drinks at three of them, because apparently every bar in Ashland was having their staff Christmas parties last night. (Duh, like people don't go out on Mondays)? We started at The Black Sheep. I wanted to go there one last time, because I love that place. But we had a really slow waitress that was obviously new, so we each only got one drink. Then we waited a LONG time for our check. But she never came. So we went up to the bar to pay there. But the bartender ignored us! So we just left. That's right. Meagan and I left without paying for our drinks.






These pictures lie, in the sense that Meagan and I were never busted. But the "fun frames" on my phone have that showing up automatically. Never get a picture phone. Way too much fun.

Then we wandered around downtown trying to find a bar that wasn't closed for a staff party, and we finally came across The Beau Club, a place that I used to always go with Gina. It was super smoky, but I still had fun there. We started talking about Les Mis, the good and the bad, and I was remembering how much fun I had riding with Sean, and so then of course we called Sean and Meagan talked to him for awhile, but he had to get up early this morning so he couldn't join us. Then we went to our last bar of the night, Standing Stone, which is actually a resteraunt/bar. I had two really yummy apple martinis and a quesadilla. Yum. Then we started talking about my new friend and Meagan's old friend Stefanie, so of course we had to call her too. Its funny that they are reconnecting through me. Piano people always end up getting tangled in the same web.

The night eventually came to an end, and we had to say our real good-bye. But it wasn't terribly sad, only because I know that Meagan and I will be in touch. I'm not worried about this friendship dying away.

I have actually "known" Meagan for quite some time. At my first piano lesson ever, she dropped by Alex's office and I was introduced to her. (And I found out last night that she was told by Alex that I was a "church girl". ?!?!) I saw her throughout the years, we'd talk in the hallway of the music building, stuff like that. But I never really got to be her friend.

Then we started hanging out, strangely enough, because of Jacob. She was friends with him and the first night that I ever hung out with Jacob was when he, Meagan and I went to his apartment, drank champagne, and ate cookies. That whole night was actually very symbolic, now that I think about it. I had just started blogging and wanted to show them, so we got out Jacob's computer. Then Stacy and Ashley started instant-messaging Jacob, but then some girl called and he was talking on the phone in the closet with her for a LONG time. Meanwhile, Meagan and I were instant-messaging with Stacy and Ashley, who had absolutely no idea that they weren't instant-messaging with Jacob. It was pretty hilarious. So from day one, computers have brought me and Meagan together! (You would've thought it to be pianos, but we threw you a curve ball, didn't we)?"

Its a curious thing, how life works itself out. In these last nine months Meagan and I have gotten to know eachother more and more through Les Mis, blogging, and our love of yummy drinks. I now consider her a very good friend, and although I wish we would've become friends sooner, I'm so glad that now we finally are. And I agree with what she said in her blog from last night. Although it is always exciting to meet someone who you connect with and explode into a new relationship, there is something about friendships that grow over time... it feels more reliable, more solid, and as Meagan said, more lasting.

Yay for Meagan.

:)



Monday, December 20, 2004

!HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZACHLET!



I refuse to believe that you are twelve years old. I'm pretty sure this is only your fifth birthday, right?

Have a great birthday Zachary. I love you, and I think about you all the time.

I'll see you soon!!!

Friday, December 17, 2004

"Of course i have beneath my raincoat, I have your photograph, and the sun on your face, I'm freezing that frame..."

-Tori Amos

Friday. Wow, this week was long. But not long in a bad way, just long because so much happened. I have had nothing to eat today but chocolate and I feel sooooooooo sick. But what a great way to feel sick, you know? I'm getting off of work in an hour and then Nancy and I are going to go scrounge for boxes so I can finish my packing. Ian left for Milwaukie today and took some of my bags with him which was greatly appreciated. Its amazing how tiring it is to pack. Who would've guessed that the simple act of putting things in boxes could make me so tired?

I took last night all for myself, and spent it packing until I couldn't pack anymore and then watched something on TV that made me really happy. Then I played piano. Notice that I said "played" piano, not "practiced" piano. UGH. I'm so frusterated with how I have been playing lately. I sit down determined to practice, determined to get something done, and I always end up just playing through stuff that I already know. I feel like my skills are slipping and I know how to get them back into shape but for some reason I'm just not doing it. Words cannot explain how frusterated I am with myself. When I get to my mommy's house I am going to get my skills back into shape. I REALLY AM...

Six days.


There are too many projects going on at once. Even if you've had everything under control up until now, expect overflow problems as your attention focuses on the most important issues.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

"There is an exception to every rule."

-Somebody

So, I never post twice in one day, but this is a very important day! Nancy and I just figured out how to get 30 on the Dolphin Diving Game!!! Life doesn't get better than this!





By the way, we are TOTALLY working REALLY hard...

"...Such a multiplication of wakefulness was possible; her past was reenacting itself at a hundred different points of consciousness."

-Willa Cather

Well folks, it truly is the season for miracles. I finally started packing. REALLY packing, as in the walls are becoming bare, and my closet is almost empty, and if you walked into my apartment now you would be able to telll that someone was about to move out. I'm finding all sorts of notes and letters and scraps that are reminding me of so much, and its actually been a very theraputic process, deciding what to keep and what to throw away, and surprising myself at how much of it I have decided to throw away.

I got a letter from Angela, which was so exciting! I had lost her adress, now I can finally get back to her. And I found out my grades, ended up getting a 3.5 this term, which is always nice. I am loving the fact that I haven't had to get up to an alarm for an entire week. I am not loving the fact that I have had a headache every day for the last two weeks.

A week from today, I won't live here. EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTER-FACE!!!



I will never love anyone like I love my sister...

Monday, December 13, 2004

"Here's to good friends, good food, and good women."

-Anna

I had a great weekend, although it started out very strange. Strange in the sense that my mind is very confused right now. This is a really overwhelming time for me and I'm just not sure how to handle all of it.

Friday night... what did I do Friday night? Hmmm... Oh yeah. I hung out at the apartment and enjoyed quiet time and worked on the
cross-stitch that I have to have done by Christmas time. And I tried my darndest to learn more of the 36th Czerny excersise and it was a very discouraging experience. But it got me wanting to practice more.

On Saturday, I went on a really long walk, and played piano more, and
thought about packing. Then I went to Meagan's, (see previous entry), and had mucho fun-o with all my blog buddies! I learned alot that night: Cheese and crackers are even more amazing when you put a grape on top, I need to get better at explaining how to play Cricket, I love peppermint ice cream, and I still love McDonalds breakfast sandwhiches! David was going to teach us how to put links on the side of our blog, but what ended up actually happening was we all talked amongst ouselves and David just did it for us. Because he is loved and appreciated. Meagan drove me home the next morning and I didn't think that I was still tired, but then I fell asleep and didn't wake up until noon. Then I walked to the store and bought ingredients to make enchiladas to bring to Nancy's house.

Liz picked me up and we went to Nancy's, shortly joined by Anna, and we were there until a little past midnight. I really had a good time.
All three of those ladies have been a never-ending support system since I have lived in Ashland, and I love that differences in age, perspectives, and life-paths haven't prevented an amazing group of women from forming a really great bond that I will miss terribly.

Then Liz and I drove to my place, chatted for awhile, and then I fell happily into sleepy land.

Now I'm at the library, and my shift starts in a matter of minutes.




Why haven't I started packing?

Forget about yesterday's news, and don't worry about last quarter's results. You have the chance to start fresh -- seize it and run far with it.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

I have balls...

-me

I'm at Meagan's. I'm not in the mood to write anything significant, but how could I possilby be at Meagan's and not blog?

This will go down in history as the shortest entry that I have ever written?

Friday, December 10, 2004

"Drink with me to days gone by, to the life that used to be...let the wine of friendship never run dry, here's to you, and here's to me..."

-Les Miserables

I almost feel like I shouldn't use this quote because I am outraged at The Dots right now. But in light of the last 24 hours, I couldn't find one more appropriate.

Yeah... its hitting me now.

I turned in my LAST paper yesterday, then went to work at the office. Usually when I work at the office they'll give me some projects, and when I get done I study for whatever test I have coming up, or research for my next big paper. So when that time came yesterday, and I didn't have any studying to do (!) I started a book just for fun! It felt great to be able to do that, to read a book just for my own pleasure. After that I walked downtown to pick my pictures up from Safeway. It was funny because the film was from a camera that I started a year ago and then lost until a couple of months ago. So the first six pictures were from New Years Eve last year. They're funny, and made me super excited to see my sister-face. Then I went to work at the library until 11 PM.

Then the plan was to go to Adam's, since he leaves for Milwaukie tomorrow. But when I called him at 11:15 PM he was scrambling to finish a paper, so I just went home instead. Jacob was there, saying that he was going to go to California. He kept asking me whether or not he should go, and I kept telling him to do what he wanted. We both had really weird amounts of energy, and ended up sitting up and talking and playing piano and being stupid until a little after 2 AM. It was nice that we got to spend more than two minutes together before I moved. Then all of the sudden we crashed and all of our energy was gone, and Jacob said that he would be leaving early this morning. He said he might be back for a day on the 18th, but he's not sure.

So just incase, we hugged and said good-bye.

I woke up this morning around 9 AM, and he is gone.

I spent the morning playing piano and drinking coffee and doing enough laundry to get me through the next 13 days.

I need to pack.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

"Take me back just before I was spinning, take me back just before I got dizzy, take me back, amazing what a minute can do..."

-Dave Matthews

Do you know what I just did? I walked through the pouring rain with no hood on eating a really good chocolate cookie while holding on to my ice cold drink. It felt great. My plan was to come to the library and work on my biology paper until my 8 PM shift, but while walking by the counter I got roped into starting my shift at 6 PM instead of 8 PM. Not that I'm complaining. I need all the hours I can get. So here I am, working... can you tell?

Yesterday was the day of my philosophy "final". It wasn't actually a final since we had a final paper and not a final exam, but the class met at the scheduled final exam time to get closure on the class. I know what you're thinking: "Closure on a class?" But let me tell you, this class was unlike any class I have taken in my time here at SOU. It was "Philosophy of Women and Ethics", modeled after
Bell Hooks's theory on teaching, and the class was composed of a LARGE variety of ages, opinions, and perspectives. It was a great class that actually has made me re-evaluate many things about my own life. All of us, even the men in the class, have all had gigantic moments of realization as a result of that class. It was great to be able to sit and talk with these people four mornings a week about what they think. Because it seems like nobody thinks anymore, or if they do, they don't want to talk about it. Nobody ever really wants to talk. That is why I love hanging out with my friends, that is why I have so much fun when I hang out at Adam's, because I love hearing what people have to say, and I love sharing thoughts, and I just wish more people would take the time to really talk to other people.

Okay, that was totally a tangent. I'll stop now. But yeah, it was nice getting together with the class one last time. We all talked for about an hour and a half, then said our good-byes. Then I went to work at the office, then I
practiced for awhile, then I came to the library and finished some odds and ends for biology. Then I worked at the library til 11 PM.

Then I went home, curled up with a glass of wine, and watched my Assessment tape, which I picked up from the music office yesterday. I had an awful realization that my ability to play Bach has slipped since my first year of college. However, my ability to play Chopin has come along way... I wasn't sure what to think about either of these things. All I know is that it is really depressing to watch a tape of yourself from 4 years ago playing a
Bach Suite and thinking "Man, I wish I could still do that!" Grrr...

I had a long shift at the office today, and it was CRAZY. There was so much to do! But it didn't really get to me that much seeing as how my last day at that job is Friday.

Due to the fact that I have actually gotten eight hours of sleep every night for the last three nights, I've been feeling really good these last few days. Well... if you can overlook the fact that I don't know where I'm going to live, or work, and that I still haven't fully grasped the fact that in 15 days I'll be at
my mom's house along with all of my stuff. 15 DAYS... Nope. I still haven't grasped it.

That store of energy you built up earlier in the week will come in handy now as new assignments pile up on your desk. It's good to have your boss's confidence, but sometimes even you could use a break.

Monday, December 06, 2004

"Crazy skies all wild above me now, winter howling at my face, and everything I held so dear disappeared without a trace..."

-David Gray

I've been wanting to blog but I've had a hugegantic paper to write. But its done now! Yay! Its taken alot of self-discipline to not blog or e-mail... okay, I admit it, I did e-mail Meagan. Twice. But it was much needed. By the way, yay for Meagan.

Lets see, last time I blogged was when I was arguing with the computer. After that, I gave up and just went home. Then I drank wine, did cross-stitch, and listened to Gina's senior recital CD. Around 6 PM, Nancy picked me up with a car full of library people and we went to Karen's house. It was really fun. I'm so lucky to have had this job for the last four years. Its the best group of people that I have ever worked with. After that I went home and talked on the phone, then fell asleep.

On Sunday morning I woke up and got some odds and ends taken care of, then started to get ready for the choir concert. I put on my black dress and realized that I didn't have any nylons which is a big scandal with Fredna. So Jacob and I stopped by 7-11 on the way to campus but they don't sell them there. I got back in the car and Jacob asked if I wanted to go to Market of Choice. I thought about it, then realized that I would never see Fredna ever again, and said "nope!" I felt like quite the rebel. It made it even better that I have various scabs and bruises on my legs.

Chamber Choir sang before Concert Choir, so I sat in the audience with David and listened. They sang a really pretty song and it hit me that I might not ever sit in the recital hall and listen to a concert ever again. I totally got a lump in my throat and got a wave of "oh my gosh I'm really leaving. I was about to cry, it was kinda intense. I wish I could just have a nervous break down and get it out of my system, but instead I keep getting these gosh darn waves of emotion. Its exshausting. But the wave went away when the choir started singing "sleigh ride" and David and I had our own private dance party.

After the concert I went to work until 7:00, then Rachal, Daun and I watched a movie that always makes me happy, and then we watched Little Women, which the three of us hadn't done together for a couple of years. Its a ritual thing. It was fun. Then they left and I played piano until I couldn't stay awake anymore. This morning I woke up and lazed about and ate chocolate, thinking "hmm, I should start that paper that is due tomorrow." Then I lazed about some more. Then I got another wave of reality and felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown, and was overcome with an intense feeling of fear that I won't have a paycheck after December. So I called Amber and by some miracle she was on her break and answered her phone and let me rant until I felt better. Then I ate more chocolate and walked to campus.

Then I spent two hours on my philosophy paper, then went to work at the office for an hour. Then I went back to the computer lab only to find that I had saved my paper on the wrong drive, and it couldn't be recovered. So I had to do it all over again. UGH. But now it is done. And all I have left to do is a three page paper for biology, and then I am DONE. Can it really be so?

The weather is awesome today. Cold, windy, rainy, stormy, oooooooooh, I love it...


Saturday, December 04, 2004

"The computer is a moron"

-Peter Drucker

grrr....

The day started out smoothly enough. I slept in until 9 AM, drank my coffee, listened to some piano music, took a shower, did some cross-stitch, blah blah blah. Then Jacob and I played piano for awhile, then I hitched a ride with him to campus. I got to the computer lab all set to work on my paper, but the stupid computer wouldn't let me log in. It said there was something wrong with my password. So the lab guy changed my password. Still didn't work. Then I pulled out my cell phone and called all the students that I know to ask them if I could log into their accounts, but none of them were answering their phones. THEN I came here, to the library, and got onto the reference computers, since you don't need to log in to get online. I figured that I could just e-mail myself my paper.

But of course I also can't log into my e-mail, because something is officially wrong with my password, and there is nothing that I can do about it until Monday. So I just got on the yahoo website and made myself a new e-mail account, just so I can write my stupid paper and e-mail it to myself.

My new adress is erinpez@yahoo.com

Man, this day is off to a great start!

Last night was fun. I got to hang out with Liz all night at one of the places that I'll miss the most after I leave. I love Liz so much. Tonight I get to hang out with the library crew. yay.

I hate computers.

Friday, December 03, 2004

"Some things change with passing years, let this feeling stay. Old friends, new friends, hoping we'll always be here with eachother..."

-Sesame Street

I'm working in the office right now. We just had the December potluck/gift exchange. To be honest, I was actually kind of nervous about it. Only because I am so new here and everyone else has been here for a long time. I do know these people, but only because of the whole process of reporting John a couple of years ago, and that wasn't exactly the impression that I would like them to remember. (Not that there is anything wrong with crying everytime you start to talk).

But it was really fun. Sitting with all of the office people, and the dean, and the other student worker. We all brought food and we drew names a couple of weeks ago in a "Secret Santa" fashion and exchanged those gifts today. I got fun socks and a beautiful bracelet from Lynn, who is my supervisor.

Don't get me wrong, I am ready to leave Ashland. I just know that its time, that whatever I'm supposed to be doing, and learning, I need to be somewhere else in order to do that. But at the same time, I have met amazing people here. True, I have met some very NOT amazing people as well, but why dwell on that? I have always been the type to love my friends. Really and truly LOVE my friends. And I have made numerous friends here that show me that same love that I show them, which is SO rare, to get that back, yet I have found it here. Even these people in the office who have only known me a term, its like they really appreciate me. I'm so lucky to have the friends that I have.

I just had to share. I could be dwelling on all of the wrong that has happened here and the people that have betrayed me, I could be worrying about my lack of money, I could be stressing about the fact that in 20 days I will be homeless and jobless, and the list goes on and on about what I could be stressing about.

But why?

Life is sooooo good.

And I will miss Ashland.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

"Last time I saw you, you didn't see me from the south side of town, I called your name in a whisper so you wouldn't hear me and turn around..."

-Kasey Chambers

Every day feels more and more strange. I've started saying bye to people. You know, those people that you always see on campus, but never anywhere else, and since this is the last week of classes, I have to say bye to them now. Weird. Today is actually my last official day of classes. I'm on campus tomorrow from 10:00-5:00, but that's just work, not class. SO strange... I have this feeling of wanting to cry all the time, but I'm not sure why. According to my calendar, I should start getting really depressed in the next couple of days. At least I know its coming. I stocked up on chocolate yesterday. Now all I need is wine.

Tuesday night at the library was fun. I was upstairs in the Summit room and Nancy came up and asked me to come in the breakroom with her. We went on a food-eating frenzy. We ate cookie dough, and cookies, and cake, and popcorn. Mmmmmm..... What am I going to do without Nancy?

Yesterday...sigh. I skipped my 9 AM class. Can you believe it? My second to the last day of classes, and I skipped. But I really do feel validated in the sense that I am starting to get sick and wanted to let my body rest. So I did. And it helped. So there. Then I went to work until 5 PM, then had to walk downtown and deposit my paycheck. I was kind of dreading the walk, cause its long and I was really tired. But it turned out to be really nice. The Christmas lights are lit up on all the buildings, and Ashland is just so cute, and it was nice to be able to walk downtown by myself and just think about things. I swear, every store/resteraunt window that I looked into as I walked by had someone inside that knew me, and I forget how many friends I have made here. Largely because I have been here for 4 years, and largely because I work at the library.

This morning I woke up and thought "this is the last time I'll do my 'get ready for 9 AM class' routine." I always wake up, lay in bed and listen to music, make coffee, take a shower, drink coffee, get dressed, eat, listen to music, then walk to school. Its actually one of the favorite parts of my day. Its pretty much the only "me time" that I have.

Anyways, this morning I pressed the "on" button on my coffee maker, and then all the lights went out. At first I thought my coffee maker was posessed by the devil, but it turns out the power went out. But I wasn't going to be home again until 11:30 tonight, and I wanted a shower. So I lit candles in the bathroom. It was actually really nice. By the time I was done with my shower the power was back on and the world was okay.

I guess that's it for now. I mean, that's not it at all, but that is all I can say at the moment. There aren't really words to describe what is really going on....

These are very strange times. These last 3 weeks will be very...

Something.