Hardcore Pepperocini

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

"Don't worry, even if things end a bit too heavy we'll all float on alright..."

-Modest Mouse

It snowed last night. Its pretty, but walking to school on the slippery sidewalk was scary. I can't believe I didn't fall. I watched a movie with Adam last night and left with a kick-ass mix CD. Tomorrow, Rachal and I are hoping to hang out. Friday is Liz, Saturday is Meagan. My bed is way too comfortable, and lately I can't get out of bed, so I set my alarm for 15 minutes earlier than needed, just so I can lay in bed. I've already started packing, and my room is starting to look empty. Everything is surreal right now.

I just had my last lesson with Alex...

Monday, November 29, 2004

"I always tell the girls never take it seriously...if you ever get lonely you can just go to the record store and visit your friends."

-Penny Lane

NAME: Erin Pesznecker
WHERE YOU LIVE: Ashland Oregon, for 24 more days
FRIENDS: I have a ton of friends that I love with all my heart, and they all love me back. You all know who you are.
WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE: Like Brittany Spears, but in better shape.
FAVORITE FOOD: I pretty much live on carbs
FAVORITE ACTOR/ACTRESS: I don’t think I have one
FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW: I don't watch TV much. But if I had to pick a show that is currently on TV, I'd have to say either Gilmore Girls or Everwood. Oh, and of course Sex in the City.
FAVORITE MOVIE: I can't pick just one
TREND YOU STARTED: Ah, come on. What trend have I NOT started?

x.Slept in your bed: uh... Jacob. Why do I feel like i'm not allowed to say that?
x. Saw you cry: One of the employees at the Grand Rapids airport. I kinda sorta had a breakdown.
x. Made you cry: Dunno
x. You shared a drink with: Gammie
x. You went to the movies with: Its been awhile since I went to the theatre... I think it was at Blue Lake
x. You went to the mall with: Scotty and Zachlet
x. Yelled at you: Everybody yells at me
x. Sent you an e-mail: Meagan!

x. Said "I love you" and meant it? I've NEVER once said I love you to anyone who wasn't family or one of my girlfriends. (aka: I have never told a guy "I love you). I'm saving it...
x. Gotten in a fight with your pet: NO
x. Been to California: yesx. Been to Hawaii: no
x. Been to Mexico: no
x. Been to China: no
x. Been to Canada: no
x. Danced naked: In my room. Duh
.x. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: no
x. Wish you were the opposite sex: HELL NO
x. Had an imaginary friend: When I was little.

x. Do you have a crush on someone: No, I'm happily married to Bruce.
x. What book are you reading now: “The Feminine Mystique"
x. Worst feeling in the world: Realizing that you can't trust someone who you thought that you could.
x. Future son's name: huh?
x. Future daughter's name: huh?
x. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: two of them!
x. What's under your bed: clothes
x. Favorite sports to watch: none
x. Siblings: Katie-almost 28, Scotty-26, Zachlet-almost 12
x. Location: Siblings? Katie-Alaska, Scott-Cali, Zach-Oregon
x. College plans: I’d really love to go to grad school and keep learning about music, but I need at least a year off.

x. Do you do drugs: I think I'm at the conclusion that I really don't like the idea of hurting my brain.
x. Do you drink: yes. Okay, so maybe I do hurt my brain a little.
x. Who is your best friend: Amber, Jessica, Katie, Mommy, Loro
x. What are you scared of: Never having enough money
x. What clothes do you sleep in: none! Unless its cold, then whatever is soft and warm
x. Where do you want to get married: I'm never getting married.
x. Who do you really hate: John
x. Do you drive: no...
x. Do you have a job: Student Affairs office and SOU library
x. Do you like being around people: If they are people that I likex
. Are you for world peace: Uh... yeah.

x. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: there’s always a chance (I'm sticking with Meagan's answer)
x. Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: yes
x. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: Yeah. The type that have no idea what the hell they want.
x. Want someone you don't have right now: nope
x. Are you lonely right now: no
x. Song thats stuck in your head a lot: I have a 100 disc-changer in my brain that rotates about a million times a day
x. Do you want to get married: No. I really am meant to be single. Guys can't handle me.
x. Do you want kids: no. I love music too much.

x. Room in house: my room
x. Type of music: the good kind
x. Band: the good ones
x. Color: earth tones
x. Perfume or cologne: happy smells
x. Month: October
x. Stone: Stone? uh...

x. Cried: No
x. Bought something: No.
x. Gotten sick: Sick? I guess not, but earlier today I had the worst cramps ever. I was curled up in my bed trying to use mind over matter... didn't work to well. So I had a glass of wine instead.
x. Sang: I sing along with my CDs every morning! its part of my routine.
x. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: If I want to tell someone I love them, I do.
x. Met someone new: no
x. Missed someone: I miss Gina
x. Hugged someone: yep
x. Kissed someone: Nope

1. Green Sweatshirt
2. maroon pants
3. shirt that says "I'm not antisocial, I just don't like you"

1. IMac
2. TV
3. Ginger Candy

1. Play the Rachmoninoff Concerto #2 with a full orchestra
2. Have a steady job somewhere playing piano
3. Work for an organization that works against sexual assault

1. sarcastic
2. content
3. sincere

1. insincerity
2. mean
3. decieving

1. I'm happy with everything about my body
2. I'm happy with everything about my body
3. Its part of who I am!

1. see last question
2. see last question
3. see last question

1. I don't like forgiving OR forgetting
2. I can shut people out as easy as I can let them in. Easier, actually
3. I love to sing. Just not in choirs.

1. Boys are stupid
2. Word to your mother
3. Peace out

1. Switzerland
2. new york
3. Prague

1. Poodle
2. Pez
3. Bear

Sunday, November 28, 2004

"Let us run from anger and catch us when we fall, teach us in our dreams, and please, yes please, bless us one and all."

-The Muppets

I just read my sister's blog and am once again going to copy her idea of saying what I am thankful for. I'm thankful for so many things. Here are a few that stand out in my mind:

-Mix CDs from my sister
-Trips to Shari's
-Christmas Eve
-My family
-My CD collection
-Almost Famous
-The Gorge
-Good Books
-Soft warm blankets
-Hot chocolate with marshmallows

I had a great holiday. Now I'm ready to make the most out of my last 25 days in Ashland.

Much love.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

"We are born and born again most gracefully, plus the winds of time will take us with a sure and steady hand, when the river meets the sea..."

-Emmet Otter and his Mommy-face

In eight hours, I will be on my way to Milwaukie. I won't be there for long, only a little more than 48 hours, but I'm too excited to care. After reading my sister's blog, (ktpez.blogspot.com), I became inspired to write a thanksgiving blog.

My family is so important to me, and they mean more to me than I could ever put into words. Each one of us is so amazing. There is something about being a Pesznecker that just feels so embedded in everything that you do. I'm constantly thinking of my family, and even though we are rarely all together, I always feel that they are close by. Its just an amazing support system. Last night, for example, I called my brother and went from laughing to crying to yelling, to laughing, to calmly talking about a research paper that I am working on. All in a matter of 20 minutes. They are all my best friends. Even my poodle is a Pesznecker. He has more personality than many people I have met!

So of course holidays like Thanksgiving make me think of them even more. My earliest memories of Thanksgiving are at my Grandma's house, pardon me, my GAMMIE'S house, in Beaverton. This includes the first time that I ever read through a piece of piano music with no help from anyone! Then there were two or three thanksgivings at Black Butte, and that was fun. After that it was at Eagle Crest, which is where Gammie and her Joe-honey live. It is a great place, and I loved spending Thanksgiving there. Memories of Joe's "jokes", Gammie's food, cross-stitch, sitting in the hot tub while it was snowing, and shopping in Sisters.

More than anything, it was all of us being together. I consider my entire family closer than any family I have met, and specifically Mommy, Scotty, Katie, Me, and Ernie. Yep, Ernie. I swear, my family is so close it is impossible to explain. And that even applies to the Poodle.

I have spent the last three Thanksgivings with my brother in California, and it has been a blast every year. Even last year when I was really sick and spent most of the time sleeping. This year I'm too poor to go to California and was going to just stay in Ashland until my Milwaukie buddies said they could take me home and get me back in time for work on Sunday.

So tonight at 10 PM, (when the driver gets off of work), I'm off to Milwaukie, where I will spend thanksgiving with my Mommy, Bill, Gammie, Joe, and Ernie. I haven't spent thanksgiving with them in quite awhile, and am looking forward to it. And it'll probably make me miss my bro-wo and sister-face that much more... but I'll see them soon.

Its amazing... family... this group of people (plus one poodle) that I love so much it hurts, and I have never once doubted their love for me. And I never will.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

"I started to find this deep,primitive rhythm, and I started to move to it. And I held hands with sorrow,and I danced with her, and we giggled a bit."

-Tori Amos

Yesterday was amazing. It is my day where I am done at noon, and my plan was to go home, read my book for my Women & Ethics paper, clean my room, and learn my Bach Concerto.

Well, I actually never got to any of that. But I played piano ALL DAY. I was sitting on my bed with my book all ready to study, and out of nowhere I just got this urge, and I got out all of the music that I've ever played and spent the rest of the day at the piano playing Chopin Waltzes, and Beethoven Sonatas, and all sorts of stuff. It was SO great. I was in such a trance. I sorted alot of stuff out in my head. I was in one of those moods where you're sad and content all at the same time. I played piano until about 10:30 PM, then fell fast asleep. Oh my gosh, it felt so good to be able to play for so long. I'm envious of people that have time to do that more often. I don't care that I didn't get any of my school stuff done. I can do that today.

It felt SO good...

Where is Gina? I want her to sightread Beethoven sonatas with me...

Saturday, November 20, 2004

"Add vodka to your wine. Its a spice, like cinammon."


Adam thinks my nail polish is fascinating.

I was right. This has been an interesting weekend. Adam's socks are glowing. Lora is Martha Stewart.

Last night was long...


"Picture yourself in a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies, somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly..."

-The Beatles

Happy 23rd Birthday Adam!!!
(As of 26 minutes ago)!

So, here I am at Adam's, watching Almost Famous. This is one of the best movies ever. I also would like to say that I just read my first issue of Playboy.

And that folks, is all I have to say. I just had to blog, cause its Adam's birthday, and I'm at Adam's, so what else was I going to do?

34 days...

Friday, November 19, 2004

"The world is made up of two types of girls: the simple girls and the Katie girls. I am a Katie girl, and WHERE ARE OUR DRINKS?!?!?!"


Grrr... this computer won't let me make links. Oh well.

I just got an e-mail from Adam informing me that my e-mail is too blah-blah with not enough zing. He gave this advice:
"You need to include some kind of marketable vice in your daily life; if you aren't committing adultery, or doing something otherwise taboo and lascivious, it's just not gonna register enough with people."

Let me tell you, my life isn't all blah-blah. Adam knows this better than anyone, which is why my blog seemed dull. I have zing... or something. My life is severely lacking in any form of sensibility right now. I like green, southern oregon directory, green frogs smile with red dice and phone books have barbies on skateboards.

Did that make sense? No? It wasn't supposed to. That was supposed to give you a feeling of what it has been like in my brain for these last couple of months. Ashland is a great town, and I have the most amazing friends in the world. But I need to leave. I can't breathe here anymore.

Speaking of amazing friends, I called Jessica today to rant about my life, and it turns out that she was in the hospital all night. She is fine now, but she was sleeping. Yet she STILL was like "tell me what's up". Of course I told her to go back to sleep, but man... I love my friends.

My life here is such a mess.

"Just when you thought you'd gotten used to the roller coaster ride the universe has had you on for the past few months -- if not years -- you're about to learn that there's one more surprise en route."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

This should be a very interesting weekend...

Thursday, November 18, 2004

"I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong..."

-Rascal Flatts

I performed the Brahms Intermezzo in A Major for Convo today. It was so great to be onstage again, its been too long. Five minutes is too long. I hope I get performance oppurtunities in Seattle. Maybe I should start writing songs so I can play in a swanky bar somewhere. I think I could write some really good songs... hmmm... maybe I'll really do this...

I was thinking about me, and performing, and how it all fits together in a really strangely perfect way. I don't consider myself closed off, but I definetly don't walk around pouring out my emotions either. But then I go onstage and play pieces like the one I played today, where I go so deep into my thoughts and do everything I can to get them out through the music, and I let an entire room of people be there with me when it happens. Go figure. I have the hardest time talking to people about how I feel, but I absolutely thrive on playing piano for whoever will listen, which is SO much more revealing than anything that I could say with words.

I started REALLY looking at apartments in Seattle yesterday. Not just looking at pictures on the internet, but writing down phone numbers of people that I think I'll call today. And I got my first message from a landlord that I e-mailed last week. EEEE!!! Its all so exhausting. I got home and Jacob was there and the apartment was really dim and I just wanted to go to sleep. I started rambling about how I was having a nervous breakdown, and Jacob didn't understand why, and I started saying "because I don't know where I'm going to live, or work, etc", and Jacob seemed really shocked, like I haven't been talking about this for the last month. He was like "what do you mean?" And I looked at him with disgust and in the dryest voice I could muster said "Hi. My name is Erin. I play piano." I swear....

Anyways, so much to do, so little time. Five weeks from today, I won't live in Ashland anymore. Which in my brain, translates to: "Five weeks from today, my life will be a big abyss of nothing."
With that, have a lovely day.

Lately I'm starting to take horoscopes more seriously...

"No, things haven't been normal -- not even close. You've been dealing with highly erratic behavior from just about everyone you know and love. Oh, stop rolling your eyes. Haven't you learned to enjoy it yet?"

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

"It won't be long before we'll be writing together again... I just hope they have a decent piano up there."

-Frederick Lowe

I've been playing Czerny alot more lately. I'm determined to have the 36th excersise in my fingers by the end of this week.

I don't want to blog today, because I'm too tired to think. But I have to post this great joke that Gina e-mailed me. It might not be that funny to all the non-music people that read this, but it will make Meagan laugh!

Here goes:

A pianist and singer are rehearsing "Autumn Leaves" for a concert and the pianist says:
"OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third bar, modulate to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor."
The singer says:
"Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."
The pianist says:
"Well, that's what you did last time."

My lesson was really good today. Alex is such an awesome teacher.

Man, I miss Gina so much.

Monday, November 15, 2004

"Are you ready for tomorrow? It might never come."

-Alex (with an eery grin on his face...)

I'm so tired all the time. Maybe if I stop sleeping then I'll feel more awake. The only thing keeping me going right now is knowing that a week from Wednesday I'll be in my homeland.

I got up super early this morning so I could get to the computer lab as soon as it opened in order to finish a set of papers that were due at 9 AM. I finished with 20 minutes to spare feeling very proud of myself, until I realized that I was missing the first two write-ups, and I couldn't find them on my hard drive. UGH. So now it'll be a day late. Double ugh.

By the time I got off of work at noon, I had the worst headache that I have had in months. It was AWFUL. I had been planning to stay on campus and get alot done, but my head was pulsating and all I wanted to do was be in a dark quiet room. So I went home and tried to rest, but that didn't help. I drank coffee, that didn't help. Eventually Jacob came home, and he suggested that I play piano to make it go away. So I tried that, and it was helping. Jacob momentarily put on the metronome, but then I told him that if he continued then I would have to resort to violence.

I played piano for about an hour, and lo and behold, my headache gradually went away. I got back to campus around 5 PM, who knows how long I'll be here. I wrote up those two papers that I am missing, then I went to the music building and worked on the 2nd and 3rd movements of my Haydn Sonata. Then I ran into Alex as I was leaving and he shared the quote that I started the blog with, which is what inspired me to do this blog. When someone says something that great, you've gotta blog! I have a lesson with Alex tomorrow. I hope it goes well... I'm so out of shape with piano. I need to get myself into shape now that Gina isn't here to do it for me.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

"I lauged as I said it, this is my situation it’s not pictures or privilege its just self preservation"

-Indigo Girls

Long weekend. Very long weekend. Some of it really good, some of it really bad... all of it long...

I went to Daun's last night to study, then to Adam's to watch a movie, but we never actually ended up watching a movie. Then I went home and talked to Jacob about the day's happenings. We were both exausted. I started playing a bunch of slow pretty songs on the piano and was totally lost in my world. It felt great. When I got done playing I looked behind me and Jacob was fast asleep on the couch. I turned off the lights and went to bed.

Then I slept for eight hours... heavenly.

Now I'm at the library for an eight hour shift. Then I have to get done all of the stuff that I was planning on getting done yesterday...


Here's one more day of your thoughts, feelings and most especially your words being amusingly blunt. Don't fight it. Enjoy it. Next week you can explain that you took a dose of truth serum.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

"It was tragic, but life was tragic, especially the mysterious entanglements of men and women."

Don't have any thoughts that I have the energy to say. This has been a long day...

Too much talking, too much to talk about, too much going on, and I'm trying to figure out what I should do...

Until I figure that out, I'll copy this from my sister's blog. Because I'm tired of talking and trying to process my thoughts.

I'm tired...

Ten movies I'd watch over and over:
1. Good Will Hunting
2.Little Women
3. How to Make an American Quilt.
4. When Harry Met Sally
5. Almost Famous
6. White Oleander
7. The Sound of Music
8. Wonder Boys
9. Top Gun
10. The Hours

Nine People I Enjoy the Company of:
1. My sister
2. Jessica
3. Meagan
4. Adam
5. Liz
6. Nancy
8. Amber
9. Daun

Eight things I'm wearing
1. Socks with fun designs!
2. Sweater
3. Jeans
4. T-shirt that says "If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
5. White long sleeved shirt
6. Nike shoes with holes in them
7. My poodle bracelet
8. Medic Alert bracelet

Seven things on my mind (by no means comprehensive:
1. Relationships
2. Bills
3. 40 Days...
4. Poodles
5. Chocolate
6. Homework
7. Chopin Scherzo

Six objects I touch every day:
1. A piano
2. My phone
3. Coffee mug
4. The doorknob
5. My keys
6. My pillow

Five things I do every day:
1. Get Dressed
2. Play piano
3. Hate Boys
4. Talk on the phone
5. Fantasize about wine and chocolate

Four bands or musicians that you couldn't live without:
1. Elton John
2. Eminem
3. Bruce Springsteen
4. Tori Amos

Three of your favorite songs at this moment:
1. So Much for My Happy Ending
2. Get Gone
3. Wedding Day

Two people who have influenced your life the most:
1. Kelly Carlisle
2. Gina Pritchard

"Boys Suck"

-Anyone who has ever known anything about anything

I had an awesome night. Thanks Meagan! And Ruby! AND Rosa!

"Cheers to poodles and glowsticks."

"Well, the guy I CAN see looks like that guy that comments."
"This is my life now."

"What are we talking about talking about?"

"She was smaller, skinnier, and psycho-er"

"Its a glowstick!"

"I feel like a roasted chicken"

People who haven't seen you lately will be shocked and amazed at your brand-new attitude, and well they should be. You haven't felt -- and sounded -- this bold since high school. But it's good to keep 'em guessing.

Friday, November 12, 2004

"Sometimes it’s like someone took a knife, edgy and dull, and cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my soul..."

-Bruce Springsteen

There is alot in my life right now that I don't understand, and its too much sometimes. Days like today... I really don't feel like I can handle it anymore. It comes out of nowhere. And tomorrow I'll be fine, and the next day I won't, and the day after that I will....

I dunno. Maybe I shouldn't have blogged today. I don't have anything to say that I can post in my blog.

Tonight I'm gonna hang out with cool people that I haven't seen in a long time... that'll probably help.

Have a great big sunshine filled day.


You're still in the mood to tell it like it is, and definitely not in the mood to hear anything that's not one hundred percent truthful. So don't sugarcoat anything. It's time to let it all out.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

"If I'm not careful I might start to cry, just walkin home tonight."

-Iris Dement

Ah, the joy of Tuesdays and Thursdays. There is nothing that I love better than to arrive at my 9 AM class and know that I won't be home for another 14.5 hours.

Jacob and I were walking into the psych building his morning, (how appropriate is that), and we were walking on the muddy hill thing that leads into the building. I was thinking "I can't believe I've never fallen here", and lo and behold, down I went. I must say, it was really graceful. I didn't even get a scrape! Jacob helped me get the mud off my pants, and let me wipe my hands off on his shirt, cause it already had stains on it. Seeing as how he has been wearing it for three days. It actually used to be my shirt...

Anyways, I'll miss being in a town filled with people that I know well enough to not even think about being embarrased in those moments.

I'm in the computer lab right now, trying to finish some write-ups before I have to go to choir. My daddy just called to talk to me about my future. Oh yeah, my future. I knew that I was forgetting to think about something. Its so frusterating to be so swamped with school when I have so many other things that I need to be doing. I'm just so stressed out right now. My dad suggested living in Portland, since its LIKE Seattle in many ways, but cheaper. And I LOVE Portland. I would love to ponder that idea... but when do I have the time to ponder anything? Its so frusterating. I just want to sit and think... and I don't have time. How depressing is that?

I just want to sit down with someone and talk everything out until I figure out what this weight on my chest is, and then I want to cry about it, and then I want to laugh about it, and then I want a really long hug.

Is that so much to ask?

All right. You can take a break now, and stop going out of your way to be extra nice. Not that you won't still be pleasant -- but you also won't be afraid to be blunt. It's definitely your turn.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

"I get this feeling I may know you as a lover and a friend, but this voice keeps whispering in my other ear, tells me I may never see you again..."

-The Eagles

The fact that I was on campus yesterday from 8 AM to 11 PM and made it through the day without collapsing is a miracle. I deserve a gold star. Or chocolate... yeah, I think I'd rather have chocolate.

I called Jessica last night and got home at about 11:30 PM. I tried to do reading for my philosophy class but I was too tired. So I went out in the kitchen, and I actually ended up talking to Jacob for awhile. This is unusual, because usually at night we get home late and one of us is always too tired to talk, and we'll have a "hi, how's it going, good, that's awesome" conversation, and that's about it. It was nice to get to chat for more than a few seconds. I was listening to Iowa over and over, and that set me on a Blue Lake tangent. Then Jacob fixed my glasses, so now they aren't lopsided. Then he threw a pinecone at my head, but he claimed it to be an accident, although I'm not sure how throwing a pinecone directly at someone's head could be an accident... it was funny, none the less.

I got to sleep a little after 1 AM and slept so heavy, thank god! Usually when I wake up in the morning, it is this big ordeal in my head about what CD to listen to, because I honestly think that it impacts the entire day. It usually is very hard for me to find a CD that I am satisfied with. But when I woke up this morning, I knew exactly what I wanted to listen to, but I couldn't find it anywhere. I think maybe I left it at Adam's last time I was there...

oh bother.

Now I'm on campus where I will be a slave to the computer for the rest of the day.

My horoscope:

At this point you're probably exhausted, and probably not from anything physical. You've been carrying on like a cruise director, making sure everyone around you is a shiny, happy person. Now, what about your needs?

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

"I never will forget those nights, I wonder if it was a dream. Remember how you made me crazy, remember how I made you scream..."

-Don Henley

I don't have much to say and wasn't going to blog. But then I saw my sister's blog, which said that she had nothing to say, and then had this quiz thingy that I'm posting. I'm a copy-poodle.

Last night was super fun, even though I drank too much wine and ate WAY too much cheese, and then felt really sick all night and had really bad nightmares that caused me to wake up about every 40 minutes. The end result is that I'm more tired today than I have been in a LONG time. I was dreading playing in studio today, wondering how I was going to make it sound good when I couldn't even keep my eyes open. But I played my Haydn sonata and it went well! Go figure...

I'm confused about aspects of my life right now, and if I wasn't leaving in 43 days (!) then I would be putting a ton of energy into dealing with it. But it just seems like I should be enjoying what I can... but then there is that other part of my brain...

I just decided that I'm too confused to try to elaborate on this any further. Forget I said anything.

You're a Nymph
You're the beautiful nymph. You have a positive
outlook on life. You are optimistic but make
sure that people don't end up taking advantage
of you.

What Tragic Entity Are You?
brought to you by

Monday, November 08, 2004

"You're not supposed to wear underwear on Sundays."


I'm at Rachal's right now, and I don't have much to say, but Daun had such a beautiful quote that I had to blog. And I just love blogging from other people's houses. There must be a term for this...

Meagan just called me apologizing for me not getting my paycheck yet. (Hi Meagan)! Its not her fault at all, so I feel bad that she feels bad... oh man, all these people feel bad!

I should go now, cause we can't put in the next DVD until I get off the computer.

I burned a Fiona Apple CD tonight, and it has MY SONG on it! I'm so happy that I finally have it!

peace out.

"I hope you find some time to drop a note, but if you won't then you won't, and I will consider you gone."

-Ben Folds Five

Okay, so you know how I was saying that on Friday I had that "twinge" of realizing that I'm actually leaving Ashland forever? Well that "twinge" has turned into a frame of mind, and now I'm actually realizing it, and its... exciting. Among a million other emotions. My friend Stefanie yelled at me across campus today to call her, because she might have some friends that need roomates. Now all I need is an employer that needs employees.

Now I'm in the computer lab trying to get some write-ups done. Then I'm going home to read until 6 PM, which is when I'm going to go hang out with Rachal! I'm totally excited to hang out with her. We have been trying to hang out since I got back from Michigan, but it seems like every time we make plans, one of us has to cancel. We both have insane schedules that never seem to match. Rachal lived with me through the most insane year of my life, and she still isn't scared to hang out with me... that's impressive.

Speaking of sophmore year, (yeah I was, the year I lived with Rachal), I was thinking about it in my philosophy class today. We were talking about gay and lesbian rights, and that made me think of Dave and Chris, whom I met when they lived next door to me when I lived with Rachal. I really miss them, even though I'm still kind of miffed that they left without saying bye. I think about them alot and wonder how they are doing. They put up with alot from me. I was seriously depressed when I lived with them, and they did everything they could to help me. I used to be kind of bitter that they left and dissapeared, but I think I'm done being bitter about that. I think I'll just be grateful that they were there when they were. And maybe one day I'll see them again.

It also got me thinking about John, who by the way, I reserve the right to be bitter and angry about for the rest of my life. I'd like to talk about him more. I don't want to go around telling everyone about that part of my life, but with my friends that already know, I find myself wanting to talk about him lately. Maybe it is because he had such an impact on who I am and how I see people, and I never talk about him, because I feel like its old news that nobody wants to hear about. But just one conversation about him would make me feel better, although I'm not sure why. Maybe so I can reassure myself that it really happened... I don't know how to explain how that would be reassuring...

There was another unplanned tangent. Woops.

Anyways, my frame of mind is new and good right now. I feel focused on what I need to be doing, and it has really hit me that I'm leaving soon. I'm going to do everything that I can to stay on top of my school work while enjoying Ashland up until the second that I leave.

Whoa... talk about appropriate. Check out my horoscope for the day! They're all in fun, but I think they're especially fun when they actually apply to you! :

"Take one nice, long, lingering glance at the past and the people who were part of it. Then take a mental and emotional inventory, and let go of the relationships that are no longer productive for either of you. "

Sunday, November 07, 2004

"I stood without clothes, danced in the sand, I was aching with freedom, kissing the damned, I said 'remember this as how it should be'."

-Indigo Girls

Fun happy weekend. This next week is going to be crazy, but yay for having a fun happy weekend.

I practiced with a metronome on Friday night for a long time. I'm playing my Haydn Sonata in studio on Tuesday, and my control of the tempo is awful. I thought a metronome would help... no such luck. I hear the ticking, and I tap my foot, and its like my brain is refusing to listen. Gosh darnit.

I had a twinge on Friday, where for a split second, I fully realized that I'm leaving Ashland. I talk about it all the time, and think about it all the time, but for a split second on Friday, it really hit me. I think I've been in the frame of mind that I was before Michigan where I was like "Wow, I'm going to be gone for a really long time." But on Friday, for a split second, my brain fully grasped the truth, which is "Wow, I'm going to be gone." So strange... I really wish that I knew I had a job to go to.

I spent the weekend hanging out with various poodles, and I got new clothes with Liz, and on Saturday I even made cookies! I love making cookies, and haven't in such a long time. It was rocking my world.

I'll be gone.


Friday, November 05, 2004

"That's right, I forgot. Never try to figure out a Pesznecker. No solutions will be made."


Yesterday was long. But good. I was in class and work until 5 PM, then I hung out with Jacob for a couple hours. Yeah, you read that correctly. Jacob and I actually talked for more than five minutes! Wow... it was fun. We just hung out in a practice room and I talked his ears off. (Not literally, its just an expression. He still has ears). It seriously might have been the longest conversation that we have had since before I went to Michigan. Its good that we both have so much going on in our lives and that we aren't the types to just sit at home and be bored, but its also kinda too bad, just cause I'm outta here in less than two months. OUTTA here. Like, I'm not coming back for a LONG time. LONG time... So this is kind of "it", you know, the home stretch. And we never see eachother, and thinking about how hectic the next two months will be... we'll probably leave on more of an aquaintance level than a good friend level... its too bad, but I guess that's life. Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it makes me mad... I'm a girl. Sue me.

This whole situation has made me really think about the future, and I honestly think that relationships just aren't for me. I just can't seem to hold on to people, and people can't seem to hold on to me. Maybe I should be single forever and just live with my sister in Cascade Locks when we get older. What do you think Katie? Seriously though, the musical life makes it really difficult. If you find someone who isn't as busy as you are, they don't understand why you're never around. If you find someone who IS as busy as you are, they understand, but neither of you ever see eachother... I guess what I'm saying is that I'm getting married to my piano.

Anyways, that was totally a tangent that I didn't plan to go on... I could erase it... nah.

Work last night was... interesting. Good. Interestingly good. I don't like getting lectures... but I guess sometimes they help. They always help when its with Nancy. Mark tends to get a little too serious, but he means well. Its going to be really hard not having Nancy around. I really consider her a great friend and she has been with me through my entire SOU experience.

These links are fun. I'm glad I finally know how to use them... it'll add a whole new level to the joy of blogging.

Must go to work now.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

"And if I seem to be afraid to live the life that I have made in song, it's just that I've been losing so long."

-Jackson Browne

Last night... yeah. I'll just leave it at that.

I try to blog everyday, mainly for my sister because I get mad when she doesn't blog everyday, but I don't really have anything to say, so I'm just going to post another quiz thing that I'm stealing from David's blog so it LOOKS like I had brain activity going on, when in actuality I think my brain has officially gone out of business.


The ULTIMATE personality test
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Wednesday, November 03, 2004

"That's the kind of ditch I'd like to die in someday."


After I got off work at 5:00, I went to Omars to meet with Adam. I am angry and disgusted that Bush was re-elected. I feel betrayed and sad that measure 36 passed. Now I can't marry Lora.

So now I'm at Adam's, watching American Beauty.

This is one of those days... where the sky could fall and I probably wouldn't notice.

The wine is probably a significant factor...

"Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical."

-Trey Parker and Matt Stone
In happy news, the Ashland McDonalds is closing due to not having enough business.

I should say right now that I am open-minded to the fact that everyone looks at life differently and may not agree with me. However, I have alot on my mind right now and I need to express it.

I worked until 11 PM last night, so I wasn’t watching the news, which is probably in my best interest. By the time I got home I was exhausted and fell asleep as soon as I was done with my homework. I had figured that Bush had won according to what the CNN website had said.

When I got up this morning, I really wasn’t giving it that much thought. I mean, I was mad, and upset, but I wasn’t feeling a strong emotion about it. Then I got to my philosophy class, where my professor suggested that instead of having a group discussion about the reading like we usually do, we should debrief about the election. The age groups in the class vary from ages 22-58, so it is a very interesting group to talk with.

I was the 4th person to talk. The first three people said pretty much the same thing: that they voted for Kerry and were not happy that Bush won, but that life isn’t always fair. They said that the best thing that we can do is to focus on our own lives and make ourselves happy and not spend time being emotional over this. They said that we just shouldn’t think about it if it will only make us upset.

I couldn’t disagree more. We HAVE TO think about it. The minute we say “this is how it is, so I just won’t think about it”, is the minute that the world officially becomes a George Orwell book. The minute you tell yourself that the solution to a problem is to not think about it is the minute that Big Brother is watching you. Even if you aren’t going to act on it, THINK about it. Be emotional, be angry, be sad, be anything. Be something.

When it came my turn to talk, I said “I don’t want to make anyone in here feel like I am putting down your opinions, but I am pissed off that Bush is still there, and it makes me feel sick.” I talked for about a minute and then had to stop. Because I was crying, because all of the sudden it hit me how upset I was. After that the class became very emotional, and very heated, and everybody seemed to have a different opinion and it was very overwhelming.

What really made my emotions boil over was when the topic came up about measure 36. The lady that brought it up is in her late 40s, and she has always seemed to be a very sweet lady, who has a GAY daughter. She said “I think it is important to point out that all measure 36 is saying is that marriage should be kept between a man and a woman.”

That’s “all”?!?!?!?

Someone fired back with “Who are we to say that?” And she said “Well there are heterosexual couples that don’t get married.” And I said “By CHOICE”, and she just kept saying more and more, and everything she said was just awful and it killed me that such a sweet lady could be so sure that what she was saying was okay. She concluded with “This is a time for the country to unite.” How in the hell is the country supposed to unite when a large number of the citizens were just told that they were not equal to others?

It really breaks my heart, it really does. I called my mom after class and she pointed out how much money has been spent by these organizations that are out to prove that homosexuality is wrong. Meanwhile there are millions of other issues that are so important. Why doesn’t the money go there? WHY DOES IT MATTER who a person loves? If two people want to live together, raise children together, sleep together, form a life together, that is nobody’s business. I am sick of this debate over whether homosexuality is right or wrong. SICK OF IT. It isn’t a question of right and wrong, it is a FACT that people fall in love, and sometimes it is with people of the same sex. This whole “debate” is based on ignorance and fear of what many don’t know or understand.

I cry every time I talk about it. After living and being very close with a gay couple who had a beautiful relationship, after having many friends that are not heterosexual, it just makes me sick. And to be honest, I don’t know if I have ever been “in love”, but I have LOVED none the less, and the thought of my country voting that one love is not as special as the others… its awful. I don’t even know if I can fully believe it.

I’m angry today, and I’m sad that there are people out there who don’t understand why.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

"Its nice to know we had it all, thanks for watching as I fall..."

-Avril Levigne

Yeah, I just quoted Avril. Shut up. We all have our guilty pleasures.

I was SO TIRED yesterday. I did homework and other stuff all day, and I was in bed by 10 PM. I loves schmeeping.

I just had a piano lesson with Alex. We worked on my Haydn sonata and had alot of fun. He gave me some names of piano teachers in Seattle. I really hope I can find a good teacher that I can have good chemistry with. I've only had three piano teachers in my life, but they have all been so great, in VERY different ways. I hope to continue this trend. I don't like the mood that I have been in lately. I need to spend way more time playing piano. Even when I'm having a bad piano day and feeling frusterated, it is still is the only time where I really feel like my head is clear. I miss having time to play as much as I want... I miss Gina and having a best friend like her that loves music like I do. I wish I had a DVD player so I could watch Olga... that's the type of inspiration that I need right now.

find your elementat mutedfaith.com.

Fun from David...

Monday, November 01, 2004

"Never jump into a pile of leaves with a wet sucker."


Last night was a good night. I actually was just going to stay home for Halloween. I had to work until 7 PM, and I was really tired, and it was cold, and I just wasn't in the mood to be festive. But then I figured that it was my last Halloween in Ashland and that I needed to be part of it in some way or another.

I got home and called Daun, and she came over with two friends and we watched href="http://eggboy.freeservers.com/Halloween/great.htm">The Great Pumpkin. Twice. :) She had recorded it the other night and brought over the tape. That made me happy. We had "happy" drinks, (its Halloween, what better time to have "spirits"), and ate WAY too many snickers and dorritos. I hadn't got to hang out with Daun in a really long time, and it was really nice to be able to talk with her. Then we watched the first half of "Scream 2", until about 10:30 PM when we walked down to the library. Then Nancy drove me, Daun, and Shannon downtown, and the four of us wandered around and watched all the shananigans of downtown Ashland. It really is a sight on Halloween. Its just this mass of people going crazy. I got up on one of the benches and took a picture with my phone, because I forgot my camera. If I ever figure out how to format my pictures, I'll post it.

I'm really glad that I went out. It was fun. I got home around midnight and was COMPLETELY exausted. Jacob was getting home right as I was, but I was so out of it that it all kind of seemed like a dream. I don't even remember exactly what he said to me.

Speaking of dreams... I had a dream that Nancy, Mark and I were singing Boyz II Men songs. Hmmm. So when I woke up at 4:30 AM (!!!), I couldn't fall back asleep. So I listened to Boyz II Men for the first time in years, cause I didn't have anything else to do!

I never did fall back asleep... oh well. Sleep schmeep.

I've given up on getting my links to look normal. Deal with it. Life throws these obstacles at us and its our job to overcome them.

I need schmeep.